It is almost 1 a.m and I am crying in my bedroom.
I know the culprit — my hormones. As a woman, it is very understandable to have sudden mood swings. It is just our destiny.

However, one thing in particular that triggers me tonight is about my friend talking about her plan. It is somehow similar to mine, just a few months ago. I was hopeful that this year, I would pull myself together and get back on the right track. Sadly, I was not going to that track. That track was closed.

I am talking about my plan as a psychologist. I have applied three times (twice in my alma mater and once in other school) and I know it’s a rookie number trial. At one point, I was ashamed to give up, I mean… I have said to the psychologists who interviewed me, that I am a resilient and persevering person. Look at me? Giving up already! I am scared I will regret my decision not to continue my study because I love to study and am seen as erudite. (Oh, my need for achievement!)

However, I know deep down in my heart… I only have one goal: to be a writer. I keep thinking, if I die… I would rather be remembered as the writer. It is one thing in the world that I want to do.

It is just so hard to get there. (Blimey! How can you be sucessful without working hard?)

I am talking about the chance to be seen by a publisher, the possibility of becoming a“successful” writer, the financial prospect, and how to build my discipline to finish my novel. I have 20 articles on my draft still left unfinished. I have been writing the same novel for the past 12 years, changing the characters, plot, and even I write in English now.
My perfection kills me slowly.

That probably explains why I am sobbing right now.
I am jealous of my friend who seems to have supportive people around her.
I am jealous because she has a greater chance than me to be a psychologist because I am someone who experienced panic attacks and mental issues with a terrible past. I am jeaolus she might figure out her call and might be succesful.
I might be scared because time keeps ticking, and I am going nowhere.

When I was a kid, I thought by the age of 25, I would work in a magazine… being a writer, I would have a boyfriend, maybe planning to get married and have kids, I would own a nice house. Life would be perfect.

But, I was nowhere there. I will be 25 soon. It makes me wonder, “Why I am such a failure?”

When I wrote my thesis, my advisor said, “Why in rush? Do you even know what to do after uni?”
Our innocent selves replied, “Surely, we want to get a job and get paid not to pay another tuition!”
Funny, I get it now.

Leaving school is such a blurry phase in life. Approximately, we have the same 22 years of experience in life. Children’s development is pretty universal around the world. Out of a sudden, when we are so used to having comparison, something to achieve (grades or degree), we get thrown into the unknown.

When we are graduated, what really means is “Congratulation! You can do whatever you want right now. You can pursue anything. People won’t care anymore since you’re a full grown-up, now”

I know it’s unfair because I haven’t tried to pursue my dream. I don’t finish my book, I don’t try harder to apply for jobs because I feel it was too late for me. A company will look for someone younger than me with a burning passion inside them. At my age, people expect me to have at least credible experience. I mean… 2 and half years unemployed (well, I am working with the small business that I already gave up too), I am walking in a circle trying so hard to delay my future, and seriously… what for?

I am really tired that I don’t want to see my peer’s successful life.

It just makes me depressed and gloomy. What makes me down even worse is the fact that I keep blaming my rough past life. They slowly affect me as an adult. I am lonely, but I don’t want to get attached to someone. Sometimes, I long for someone, but I love my own company (I am fun and like to entertain myself).

I am confused, about my hopefulness when I want to be depressed and sulking in my sorrows. It’s just… I am aware, I can’t blame my past or flaws. I know I am just making excuses, justifying myself every day, and hugging my comfort zone. I know I need to get out there to feel alive, that’s what I always do: challenging myself.

I don’t want to waste my life. Why I am so idealistic, perfectionist, and philosophical? I wish for one moment, I could be ignorant and live my life as it is. No more dreams, hopes, and expectations.
Dreaming is overrated, anyway.

There were days, I asked God: “Why do I have this kind of life? I don’t see the lights on it? Why I am stuck in this season? Why I am like this?”
Funny, a few days ago… I got a “hunch” to enjoy my current situation which is helping my sister to take care of her son, my dear nephew. I love him so much and I want him to grow as a better person with a better life than us.

Growing up sucks, it’s scary as hell. I keep thinking about money — how to survive in this world? Things feel so serious, depressing, and less exciting than I thought it would be. At least, I get to learn to be more appreciative of others, we are all just want to survive anyway.

I don’t know how hard it will be, but I guess I will manage?
So, future me: I promise I won’t give up and keep trying hard, so I am not going to burden you.
To my past self: You are tougher than you think. I wish I could love you more.

Well, it’s been a pleasure to write something so not in context and quite personal.
But, enjoy taking a trip inside my head.

If currently you are struggling too, don’t give up yet. I am here as clueless as you are.

Love,

Natasha