Existential Crisis

[DISCLAIMER: some content might trigger your anxiety about death]

I can’t deny that I am scared of death.

Especially, a sudden death that we are not expecting.

A tragedy like the Air Asia crash several years ago that got heavily exposed on the TV traumatized me until this day. I get scared every time it is to take off. I love travelling the world, but I am scared of taking planes. Specifically, bumpy turbulence. I go too far with calculating the best season to travel safely with aeroplanes which are usually around the summer months, with less chance of rain. I went on holiday in summer since then.

But, it was five years ago when a junior in my psychology department passed away so suddenly on her birthday. She was only 19 years old. She was in my tutorial class where I was her teacher. She was pretty, cheerful, and kind. I heard the news when I was in the middle of the holidays which left me devastated. I felt awful and shocked.

A few months later, it was my cousin who was only a year older than me again so suddenly passed away. I still had no idea how he died, but I suspected it was suicide. He was neglected by his family. He did not finish school, not even primary school. He might secretly suffer severe depression. Only God knows.

Last year, three of my friends in university passed away too. They were probably 23 or 24 years old. I used to be close with one of them, it made me uneasy to think… I used to be in the same class with them years ago. They had no idea. Yet.

All those highlighted events triggered my existence as a human being. Last year, I had the most terrible feelings ever. With my mother who almost died too in sudden critical condition, I was overwhelmed. I questioned myself too, and the answer is clear: I am not ready to die yet. I got several anxiety attacks because I overthink a lot.

I took a nap and I was startled because suddenly the anxiety rushed into my head: you’re going to die someday. You won’t see the sun, sky, moon, your family, friends, you can’t write, you can’t cook, or do anything. Your dreams will perish. You can’t visit the country you always want to go to.

It scared me so much, that I could not sleep, and I lost interest in anything. I got to the point: why do we even live when in the end we are going to die? What’s the point of our existence? We are not all going to be “successful” or go down in history. My mind was preoccupied with the sound, “You’re going to die!” every day. “You’re not going to know the world in the next century!”

I question a lot about our existence. Sometimes, I ask, “Is that all? We are just meant to grow up thinking we can achieve anything, but then we are faced with the painful reality, we are not special snowflakes. You go to work, make a living, get married, have kids, die”. Let’s talk about how fragile we are as humans, an illness, a car crash, a fire, natural disaster, drowning, or anything ridiculous you don’t want to imagine (like being a victim of mass shootings or wars).

I asked myself: Why I was born as Chinese-Indonesian? Why do I have such a small nose with terrible eyesight? Why I was born into this family? Why do I have to be here and not there? Why I was born in the late 90s and not sometime around World War II? Why does it have to be in this exact period? Why do I speak Javanese and Indonesian, instead of French?

I got to the point where I thought “wow this could be my last meal”, “This could be my last time I visit this place”, and “Can I visit this again in the future?”

I was too scared to watch anything so cruel (Thriller movies or series involving guns, killing, and gore were a big red flag). I even read Reddit posts about people who almost died (in comatose), they all said… it was peaceful. Best sleep they ever had.

I realized, it became irrational for me. I might suffer from depression but the opposite of depression, I am scared of death instead of self-harming!

Luckily, I love to self-therapy myself with the help of a few counselling sessions with a psychologist, and some alone time with God.

I concluded that I am scared of being not in control, I am scared of falling asleep because I let myself being unconscious, I have fear of getting anaesthesia (I pray to God I will never experience getting operated on any kind), and mostly with my history of a panic attack — I will avoid anything that will trigger it (drinking coffee, alcohol, crowded places).

I felt a lot better when I tried to rearrange my thoughts.

1. Death is inevitable — I can’t control it and it’s way better to accept the fact rather than deny it every day. I don’t think I want to live forever. What’s the point of life when we are not around the people we love? I think the world will be an unfamiliar place and cold.
2. Religion helps you to make peace with these kinds of uncontrollable things. Not just death, but life after death, what good things we should do, and how we should always be grateful. How we should appreciate the life we have been given and not waste it.
3. I could think of infinite possibilities of life. I could wish I was born somewhere else and probably have a different kind of situation in life. But, at the same time, I should be grateful to live here. Indonesia has great people, the economy is great, it’s beautiful though the tourist attractions need improvement, and THE FOOD? Spicy food? I appreciate it. I used to say, I wanted to live in the 1940s but hey I can’t imagine my life without computers, the internet, social media, and technology that make our life easier! I am grateful to live in the modern era.
4. Again, there are endless possibilities, I can be the first F1 female driver, I can be a feminist figure, I can be the new Malala, I can be a Harvard graduate with cum-laude, anything! But when I think of it: I just want to be a writer, sipping teas at a cafe, travelling places to find inspiration and taking photos as well, buying cute books, road trip with my lover, and book a hotel with a nice view. That kind of life.
5. It’s ridiculous to think I am the only one who is afraid. I think everyone is afraid, but we should not focus on that but rather focus on the present. Funny that what very real is our present. This is our actual life. Not the future or past. What’s the point of scared, when you don’t live your life the fullest either?
6. I was not doing anything I enjoy after graduating. Maybe, the first year is great but life after the pandemic was a major hit. I can’t be social, I can’t explore, and I can’t even apply to a job that requires travel around when I know it is going to be a great experience for me. But hey, sooner things will go back to their normal. (I got COVID too in the end, the first one in my family. I am just a great achiever)
7. I tried my best to enjoy the moment, I might not have a job right now with a stable income or great prospects, I am single, and I am living with my sister. There’s always the thought: “You are going to be a failure” But, I believe someday I am going to miss this time. Watching my nephew grows up is the best feeling in the world.

I might be lying to say I have overcome the struggle. At least, I have made peace with myself. Why I should be scared when I have the God who always protect me from the day I was born until this day? I used to get sick a lot as a kid, somehow I survived every of it. I am overweight, but I get a good health.

I might not have it all, but at least I was lucky enough to travel to some beautiful places that not everyone has the chance to. I complained a lot, but at least I can plan my nutritious meals every day, I still can shop what I want, and I am here typing with a fully-functioning iMac (not brand new, but it’s still in very good condition).

Last year, I might not be able to write this. I would be too terrified to assemble the words.

I am so proud of myself for being able to put my fears as one piece of article.

I hope, this can help you to ease your mind a little bit.

Don’t be too hard on yourself.

Start seeing the little things, so mundane, so obvious, so right in front of your eyes, that you take for granted, when in fact — it’s your real treasure. It’s your whole life that’s precious.

Love,

Natasha