Challenge Your Fear
“Too late to go home now” as I said to myself at the airport’s ladies room’s mirror. I was repressing all my worries inside my brain.
Back in July 2019, I decided to went on a short trip by myself. A birthday treat for me. I was not going far from home- just less than 2 hours of flight to the neighbour country. I already familiar with the place, so why am I nervous?
Maybe, the fact this is my first solo trip or I was too excited and nervous to meet my favourite football players- the whole team. I will meet people that I have only seen on TV, isn’t that exciting?
But here’s the dilemma:
I love football. I want to watch them live at the stadium. But, I can’t stand crowds.
Don’t mind large crowds at football stadium, I can’t even manage the crowd size at Jakarta’s shopping mall on weekends (pre-coronavirus obviously). I can’t even concentrate on a big class at the lecture hall or crowded cinema. I would feel overwhelmed, nervous at the people will stare at me, judge me, and panic, as if I am about to faint or something worse would happen.
I know I have a problem: anxiety.
It is something I have been struggling with myself for my whole life. Even as a kid I worry about everything from real problems to imaginary ones. So, later in my adulthood, there’s a huge pile of anxiety inside me that feels unbearable. Fortunately, I like to challenge myself. I know, I can’t live like that my entire life. I don’t want anxiety to prevent me to do things. I want to step outside of my comfort zone.
But, in this context, I should be more anxious because the football match happened to be around the same time with my thesis defence. Surely, I should not risk my 4 years worth of study’s fate for pleasure. Besides, I have never watched football live in a big stadium. It’s my first time and I am alone. I don’t know what to expect.
“I must be out of my mind. This is so not me. Taking a risk, act impulsively, and being ignorant. This is so stupid” I kept saying that to myself.
During the trip, I felt tensed and full of worries. There are two main reasons why:
First of all, I am an introvert. I would rather get lost than ask strangers about the direction. My social anxiety keeps telling me, “Don’t be too friendly, people will think you’re weird”.
But I was alone. I was bored. I am still a human being who needs human interaction. So, I brace myself talking to other fans (a die-hard fan guy, a father and son, also parents who accompany their kid) who waited at the hotel lobby like me, wishing we could meet the players.
Thanks to them, I gained a lot of info and meet the head coach of the club -even if I got yelled by the bodyguards, “NO PICTURE”.
Secondly, I overthink almost everything. The day of the long-awaited match, I woke up late which made me very cranky thinking it was a bad sign. I was very nervous. My thought filled with many scenarios- from the ticket, “Will it work cause I only printed it at home?” “What if my ticket can’t be scanned and me coming here is in vain?”
I worry I won’t be able to eat dinner then my stomach gets hurt, I worry that I can’t buy the merchandise, I worry the queue will be so long and I will be late, I worry I will get suffocated inside the stadium. It will be so hot and packed. I worry because I am alone in someone else’s country what to do if something terrible happens to me? So many thoughts bothering me, but I kept going.
Everything turned out well. I arrived safely at the stadium packed with a lot of people, I managed to buy the football kit and keychain, I ate dinner (a slice of pizza that I chewed very fast), the automatic scanner at the gate scanned my ticket very fast (I bought it from the official website so why need to get worried?). I was a little bit late because the players already warming up. The stadium was cold and I didn’t feel suffocated at all. I sat next to a friendly Korean father and his son. I talked to him, I helped him with his Korean flag to cheer a player and he helped me to get a picture.
It felt so surreal for me. I was so happy. How couldn’t I? I managed to see the players standing just 2–3 metres away from me. I was living the moment and forgot that I sat in the stadium with the other 30.000 people or more. My club won the match, adding more happiness to me. But the highlight- the one thing I could brag the rest of my life was probably taking a picture with one of the top players in my team. I had to brave myself to ask the word “Can I take a picture with you?”. I went back to the hotel with this amazing feeling like I have never felt before. I was thinking, “Is this even real? Am I dreaming?”
Yeah, everything turned out to be just fine. I was very proud of msyelf. I even passed the thesis defence and get graduated the next couple of weeks. I didn’t regret my decision at all. The risk I took was worth it. I saw a different side of me during that trip. Someone who I never thought I could be. And I had so much fun. Besides, what is the odd of a Premier League club visiting Southeast Asia?
Moreover, this trip proved my anxieties that they made false alarm. I feel stupid for being too anxious. My mind was wrong. Every worst scenario they created, it didn’t happen. Imagine if I chickened out, I would not see the players in front of my eyes or got a photo with a player. I would not experience of the craziest day in my youth.
It’s normal for humans to feel anxious. It’s a natural response to protect us from terrible things.
It’s also a normal tendency for people to overthink, it’s part of our defence mechanism to make us feel prepared for the terrible outcomes. Especially, if you are pessimistic or perfectionist.
But, it’s not normal when you’re going out of control and spend amount of time to think about it until you neglect all your responsibilities.
Remember this: never let anxiety consumes your mind. They like to fool us. They do tricks to our mind. When in fact, everything you think about, it is not always true. We never know what will happen in the future, we have no control for that. But, we have control in our present time because we live in the present. Not in future or worst- the past.
And rather than get caught up in the anxiety, we should focus more to prove them they are wrong. They can make us feel like there’s no hope or good things in front of us. But, believe me it’s our actions that determine our future not our thought. Sadly, our action is driven by our thought. It’s reciprocal. To have a less anxious mind, we have to face our anxiety (slowly of course) and hopefully, after doing things we used to fear, our perception about it will change.
You will regret more not doing things you want to do, than sitting there and watch your life pass by simply because you’re afraid. Once you do things you think you could never do, it feels so awesome and addictive!
-NV
PS: I am not 100% free from anxiety, in fact, I am still struggling. But I hope my experience can do good for those of you who have to live with this anxiety every day. It’s not easy, it’s always there, but you can control it. As long as you have the determination to live peacefully with your fears. Don’t hesitate to get professional help if you’re not feeling well.
(Copied and edited from my LinkedIn Page. Written on 2 November, 2020)
